الصوت الجريح
26-Aug-2007, 06:32 AM
the hardest thing I never admitted
So the one thing I need to do right now is calm down. I know I loved her and I think that the distance between us took its toll on the two of us. We were with other people every day, pictures were misinterpreted, words misunderstood, and pressure built from the time apart. - I started a fight because I'm angry right now. When I got mad I said and did things I never meant. It won't help. It only came back on me in a bad way. I know I'm in kind of dark place right now. All this stuff - trying to help when I went over there is unfortunate. The truth is - that I made a mistake. I am upset about the way school has turned out or not turned out but there is always time to fix the things I messed up. Right now I have been reverting back to the Al yami was when I left there and I don't know why, I feel like I have come so far. When I left there I was angry all the time, had no direction in my life, I didn't care about myself - after I went to USI and met you, I changed. I started taking care of myself and I was happier. I wanted more out of my life. Its been hard being away from her. But I know she must have loved me or she wouldn't have tried. She's five hours away she could have just gone on but she didn't. And I started self destructing. I threw away my relationship in anger or I guess I thought it wouldnt work if I had to come back to North Vernon. But that's not true. In the last month I have decided not to move to Indy where I could have been closer to her, I was making a lot of plans for where I wanted to get in my life and then I started hanging around with her again - I was stoned all the time and can't say I wasn't. I could hear it everytime I talked to someone and when I do things like that I don't care about the people who love me. I make comments that are hurtful - I woudln't go to class - I gave up and now I'm angry. Not even at you but at myself for forgetting who I was and why we had something in the first place. I'm sure life was hard after moving home, maybe I should have been there for you. And I wasn't. Im sorry.But I don't want to go back to being angry all the time and wanting to fight everybody - I feel like I am so much more. I sound tired and sometimes when I get tired I get kind of emotional. So its time to take care of myself, try to make wise choices. Try to just be thankful for all the good stuff in my life and don't let the bad get me down. I have friends and family who love me very much and God loves me and I know that sometimes that I don't see that but its true. I just gotta pick myself up and start making positive changes in my life with positive people. And believe in myself.
I just wanted to tell how much I love you and I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I know how much you loved me and how happy you were. I could always hear it in your voice when you talked. I know things seem bad right now, school is crazy and now this with me. I didn't want to hear this or believe it but things will get better, Im kinda at rock bottom right now so Ive gotta be strong and know that if we are meant to be I will get another chance but if not then the right guy is still out there waiting for me to find her. You are beautiful and smart please don't forget that. I think I should stop smoking pot and make some changes in my life right now. I honestly believe it's played a large part in ruining my first year of college. And maybe its time to ask God to help me. I used to really believe in her and I was so much happier - I think back to how much I loved church and believed in so much more, I believed in myself. Please know I won't give up - you can go back to where ever it is you are at right now just please, keep trying and know that I will always love you with all my heart and soul.
So the one thing I need to do right now is calm down. I know I loved her and I think that the distance between us took its toll on the two of us. We were with other people every day, pictures were misinterpreted, words misunderstood, and pressure built from the time apart. - I started a fight because I'm angry right now. When I got mad I said and did things I never meant. It won't help. It only came back on me in a bad way. I know I'm in kind of dark place right now. All this stuff - trying to help when I went over there is unfortunate. The truth is - that I made a mistake. I am upset about the way school has turned out or not turned out but there is always time to fix the things I messed up. Right now I have been reverting back to the Al yami was when I left there and I don't know why, I feel like I have come so far. When I left there I was angry all the time, had no direction in my life, I didn't care about myself - after I went to USI and met you, I changed. I started taking care of myself and I was happier. I wanted more out of my life. Its been hard being away from her. But I know she must have loved me or she wouldn't have tried. She's five hours away she could have just gone on but she didn't. And I started self destructing. I threw away my relationship in anger or I guess I thought it wouldnt work if I had to come back to North Vernon. But that's not true. In the last month I have decided not to move to Indy where I could have been closer to her, I was making a lot of plans for where I wanted to get in my life and then I started hanging around with her again - I was stoned all the time and can't say I wasn't. I could hear it everytime I talked to someone and when I do things like that I don't care about the people who love me. I make comments that are hurtful - I woudln't go to class - I gave up and now I'm angry. Not even at you but at myself for forgetting who I was and why we had something in the first place. I'm sure life was hard after moving home, maybe I should have been there for you. And I wasn't. Im sorry.But I don't want to go back to being angry all the time and wanting to fight everybody - I feel like I am so much more. I sound tired and sometimes when I get tired I get kind of emotional. So its time to take care of myself, try to make wise choices. Try to just be thankful for all the good stuff in my life and don't let the bad get me down. I have friends and family who love me very much and God loves me and I know that sometimes that I don't see that but its true. I just gotta pick myself up and start making positive changes in my life with positive people. And believe in myself.
I just wanted to tell how much I love you and I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I know how much you loved me and how happy you were. I could always hear it in your voice when you talked. I know things seem bad right now, school is crazy and now this with me. I didn't want to hear this or believe it but things will get better, Im kinda at rock bottom right now so Ive gotta be strong and know that if we are meant to be I will get another chance but if not then the right guy is still out there waiting for me to find her. You are beautiful and smart please don't forget that. I think I should stop smoking pot and make some changes in my life right now. I honestly believe it's played a large part in ruining my first year of college. And maybe its time to ask God to help me. I used to really believe in her and I was so much happier - I think back to how much I loved church and believed in so much more, I believed in myself. Please know I won't give up - you can go back to where ever it is you are at right now just please, keep trying and know that I will always love you with all my heart and soul.